Gayphobia
by isis chandra wu
Summary: Ken is set up on a blind date with… a man! There’s only one problem – Ken’s not gay.
1. Chapter 1

**GAYPHOBIA**

Rating: pg-13 for swearing, mild violence, shounen-ai and all that Lemon-y stuff I really love… guess this serves as some kind of warning too or something…

Disclaimer: me no own weiss. So shut it with all the suing crap.

a/n: **_WHAT? Pg-13!_** – Or so my readers would most probably exclaim. I mean, yeah! This is the first time I'm going to write a pg-13 shounen-ai fic! Hooray for the renewed person! I just hope it's not too bad and all that…please review and help me get out of my insanity bouts! Suggestions and comments totally accepted! I need support for this so-called pg-13 shounen-ai thing! (Christ, that's like so many hyphens in a phrase.) HELP!

**CHAPTER I: YOJI'S BAD IDEA**

Summary: ken is set up on a blind date with… schuldig! There's only one problem – ken's **not gay**.

8

"Ken, good news!" Ken turned to see his best friend walk in through the doors of the Koneko. Suave and poised with an I'm-your-most-envied-supermodel kind of aura – Balinese.

"Hey, Kudouh! What's up?" the chocolate-haired assassin smiled. Yoji and good news just didn't seem to mix. He wondered what the other's so happy about now.

Yoji folded his arms and put on a you're-so-lucky-I'm-alive grin and said, "Simple! I set you up on a blind date."

…

…

…

WHAT

THE

FUCK.

So much for friendship.

"What the hell did you do that for!" Ken screamed in frustration at his so-called best friend. "I don't need to be set up and all that crap! Especially to someone I have NEVER SEEN BEFORE!"

Yoji just kept on smiling. "What's wrong with you? No, what's wrong with what I've done? I'm, like, even doing you a favor or something, you know…"

"This – is – NOT – a – favor!" Ken's eyes narrowed. "If you're trying to rub it in, this is certainly almost the best way." It had been just a few months when some blonde chick busted Ken's ass during their date for commenting on her choice of lipstick. And it was kind of hard on the little guy. What, with him salivating over her for days…only to end up with a sore ass!

"…I mean, you kind of NEED this, my friend…"

"WHAAAT!"

"Admit it." Yoji pressed on, as if his suggestion was the only solution that could save Ken's shriveled soul. "You have a DYING SEX LIFE!"

That did it. "I'M STILL A HUMPING MAN!" Ken bellowed, face as red as tomato paste.

It took all of Yoji's strength not to snicker. But he did anyway. "See? No one says 'humping man' anymore, Siberian. Yeah…you're really in dire need of Grade A meat."

Ken could not believe he thought of this man as his best friend just minutes ago. He felt as if his heart was crushed, blended and pureed. He sighed in defeat.

"Tut tut!" Yoji comforted him, throwing the flowers Ken had been choking in rage a while ago at a busy Omi's direction, and added, "Don't worry, Ken-ken! I chose this one myself and I know someday you'll be thanking me for opening your eyes to a whole new reality…" There was a suspicious glint in Yoij's eye but… maybe that was just a tear of joy or something.

Yoji took off Ken's apron and led him out of the shop. "C'mon, we have a lot to prepare for!" Just as they were about to step out of the store, a VERY PISSED AYA stopped them. "Where do you think you're going?"

Yoji pouted, shoving Aya gently away. "None of your beeswax, O fearless leader…"

"There's a store that needs attending to, flowers that need tending to and two of us that needs some friggin' helping!" Aya hollered. "And here you are, going out to please some psycho Yoji probably just met in some freakin' whorehouse!"

"Move outta my way, Aya…" Ooooh, Yoji sounded so strong here. "…before I tell Ken here how adorably tight that sweet little – "

"WHAT? SWEET LITTLE WHAT! WHAT SWEET LITTLE WHAT'S TIGHT!" A very veiny-necked Abysinnian was now brandishing his shiny katana, and threatening Yoji-kun, who replied with a gulp. _Okay…so he's not very open about our little one-night stand…I understand… What, with him being a first-timer and all that…_

"Hehehe…" Yoji grinned apologetically. "Sweet little hug-a-bear of yours…" He turned to Ken and grabbed his arm. "RUUUN, KEEEEEEEEEEN!" Quickly, the two disappeared out of Aya's sight, who later on calmed down, grunted and crept away.

Tbc/

a/n: so whatcha think? Dontcha think that cute little button looks so good to press? Huh? Huh? Huh? Hehe p.s. I don't even know if I'ma continue with this thing... so please. Motivate me.


	2. Chapter 2

**GAYPHOBIA**

A/N: I was definitely bored. :)

**CHAPTER II - PREPARATIONS**

"Oh no, Mister! You can't make me wear this! No way! Over my dead body!" Ken was hollering in the changing room, very tempted to slit the throat of his now ex-best friend.

Yoji feigned a hurt look. "Now you're blaming me for making you look gorgeous?"

"Gorgeous, my ass! I look like a male escort!"

"How will I know if you don't come out of there and let me look at you?" Yoji replied, a bit irritated. "Now stop whining and open the door!"

"No!"

"Ken…"

"No! No! No!"

"Siberian!" Yoji banged on the door until it gave way and revealed a very… (cough) erotic Ken Hidaka.

Ken was reddening from head to foot. "Kudouh, you baboon! Cover me!"

But Yoji was ecstatic, tears forming in his shining eyes. "Oh Ken! Look at you! You're such a pretty boy you could pass for a bishounen!" He gave his cowering friend another once over: white polo shirt unbuttoned to reveal a smooth tan chest and black pants which sucked the life out of his thingamajigs. "I didn't know you were so callboy-material!"

Ken choked at the remark. "I am NOT 'callboy-material'! And wouldja please cover me so I can change back into my normal clothes in peace?"

""Pfft! What do you mean change?" Yoji retorted. "We're taking them! You've got to look your best for your blind date."

"Exactly!" Ken said, still blushing a deep crimson color. "You should be thankful I still agreed to this whole blind date thing, considering the fact that you DID NOT tell me about it beforehand. And now, wear this? Yoji, this is too much!"

Yoji frowned. "Blahditty blah! Are you done yet?" He looked seriously at Ken. "When we step out of this store, you are going to be wearing that attire and you will meet up with your date that I set you up with and have ONE – HELL – OF – A – GOOD – TIME, understand?"

Ken gulped. _No._ Yoji and he were good friends, but when Yoji was in Balinese mode, there's no telling what he can do. "Yes…?"

At his reply, Yoji was back to his excited state, beckoning for a saleslady to pay for the clothes. "Isn't he a work of art?" He said to the girl, referring to Ken. The girl flushed when she met Ken's eyes and nodded. Yoji exclaimed, "A work of art like that should be shown to the world!"

Ken shrivelled. _Oh, no… it's the end of my life. I'm going out in these prostituted rags of fashion and get stoned for dressing like a male stripper! Oh man, why did I say yes to Yoji? Why did I even say yes to this blind date when I don't even know the girl? Why can't I say NO to Yoji!_

When they left the store, Yoji was chuckling.

"Stop laughing at me!" Ken barked, still blushing.

Yoji laughed harder. "I wasn't laughing at you. I'm laughing at the whole situation! That salesgirl wouldn't even keep her eyes off your man booty! Hahaha!"

Ken was tomato-red. "What man booty? Kudou, you – "

"If you're just gonna whine, shut your trap!" Yoji said, leading Ken to their next stop. "Now, we're going to find a nice gift for your date…"

"Do I have to?" Ken whined.

"Yes, you have to. I happen to know just the place…" Yoji replied, leading Ken to a sexy shop.

Upon seeing the shop's Specials display, Ken took a 180-degree turn and raced for the exit. "Oh no you don't!" Yoji exclaimed, running after him and grabbing him as he was about to step out of the door.

"Okay, look!" Ken said in between breaths. "I'm okay with the date, okay with these whore clothes, even okay with the idea of gift-giving but the KIND of gift you're thinking? No-no!"

"No, you don't understand!" Yoji explained. "It's perfect, I said! Your date's a bit on the horny side so all's good!"

_Horny side?_ Ken's heart sank. _What kind of freak did Yoji set me up with now?_ "Hor…ny?"

"Yeah!" Yoji nodded encouragingly. "You'll both hit it off, I just know it!"_Bwahaha._

Ken sighed. No use arguing with him I'll lose anyhow. "Okay…what should I get?"

Yoji was already scanning the multi-coloured assorted products of the flesh, an evil smirk painted on his face. Suddenly, his eyes lit up and he exclaimed, "Aha! Found it!"

"What is – "

A pinkish twelve-inch dildo with synthetic hair and sacs the size of your granddad's tennis balls dangled in front of Ken's shocked face.

"What – But – You can't – !" Ken sputtered, trying to find the words to tell Yoji HE WAS NOT GIVING HIS DATE SOME ULTRAMEGASIZE DILDO!

Yoji beamed at his find. "It is the gift of the century!"

Ken stared at him in disbelief, eyes wide and jaw open. "Are you out of your fricken mind?" He finally said, practically shouting in Yoji's ear. "I'm not giving THAT to her! I'd look like a pervert!"

"Aren't you?" Yoji muttered.

"Why not buy sexy lingerie?" Ken continued, caught up in Yoji-scolding. "It's more respectable but still…suited for her…needs!"

Yoji made a face. "Nothing like a good ol' dildo to comfort you in times of need!"

"And how much does this thing cost anyway?" Ken picked up the toy with much shaking, blushing hotly at the feel of lubricated rubber in his hands. He glanced at the price tag and practically died. "One grand? I am not paying a thousand fucking dollars for a replacement of what I have! Holy! Let's just go buy a dozen cucumbers!"

"Pfft!" Yoji snickered, taking the dildo from him. "As if I don't know you're broke…" He went to the cashier and flashed a gold VISA card. "That's what Aya's credit card is for." Wink!

_I'm dead._ Ken thought hopelessly, picturing Aya's face when he scans his monthly credit report and finds _"Aren't We Naughty?"_ in the list. _When Aya finds out, I'm so dead. When I give my date this gift, my social life os over. This is fucking suicide!_

Tbc/


End file.
